I was talking to The Crusher on the phone around 5PM and my host left the apartment. After I hung up the phone I took a nap and woke up around 7:30. I had a cup of coffee and wanted to go back to sleep right away. I couldn’t do anything. The urge to sleep was nearly impossible to fight off but I did it. It was incredibly hard to not just walk back into the bedroom and lie down.
I made myself take a shower which didn’t help much. Then I forced myself to sit at the computer and finish up some banners for Cruising for Sex. By this time it was about 10:30 and I still wanted to just be unconcious. I figured that I needed to get the hell out of the house and headed out to The Phoenix. I didn’t have the car so I had to take the streetcar and walk through The Quarter. I left the iPod home because I figured this wqould give me time to just be with myself without distractions and with no possibility of just lying down and ignoring everything.
I’m pretty familiar with depression, having struggled with it for years but it’s been a long, long time since I felt like this. Let me tell you, this was terrible. It’s as close to suicidal as I’ve ever been. The walk did the trick, though, and I think I have it figured out. (He said, hopefully!)
I’m leaving New Orleans in a week and, for at least a couple of weeks after that, will not really be living anywhere. Money is tight partly because of my ongoing iBill problem which I won't go into now. (I sent out some invoices this week, some of them nearly a year old, so that problem should resolve itself soon.)
Mostly, though. I think the problem is that I’m 51 years old and I’m absolutely not prepared to be an old person. It’s not that I feel old or look bad or anything like that. And my life had been lots of fun, for the most part. I just feel as if I’ve wasted a lot of time that could have been spent preparing for the time of my life when I won’t be able to run around and have a good time.
It’s not like I chose a responsible career or anything which would help me prepare for my future. No! I decided to be a pornographer and move to a different city every couple of years! My god!! What have I done?? as David Byrne once sang back when he seemed talented.
Anyways, I think being so sick for a couple of weeks and having to have “Same-Day Surgery” the other day and having to leave this place before I have another place and really not wanting to even be in this apartment anymore has finally just left me feeling really overwhelmed. I just want to sit and stare out into the air and I can’t, dammit! I will just have to get over it, I guess.
Well, The Phoenix was fun and, I think, just what I needed. More about that tomorrow. Also, I talked to The Crusher on the way home and he was a soothing balm—well, that’s what he would say.
